Let me outline my mistakes one-by-one, so that this will be a foreboding warning for you, of what not to do.
The first thing we did, was insert thin slices of lemon and bay leaves under the loosened chicken breast skin. We placed them in a decorative, alternating pattern: two bay leaves, one lemon slice. We also put quartered yellow onions, garlic cloves, and halved lemons into the chicken cavity. We envisioned a roast chicken, with a golden and crispy skin, glittering with spices, and moist and tender to the bite.
However, we quickly ran into trouble. We failed to fully defrost the chicken before our attempts, so the cold icy chicken numbed our hands when we robotically handled it and the chicken skin "broke" off in grotesque clumps. Plus, we were really hungry, and this caused us to take a lot of shortcuts and to be overly abusive to the chicken and to each other. Furthermore, the spiny bay leaf stems speared open the skin, or what was left of it. Simply put, the chicken got the better of us, as evidenced by the pictures.
What came out was a sloppy chicken, not a beautiful bronze, but a bleached out, dingy yellow. The skin wasn't crispy and delicious, but flaccid like a latex glove. And even though we had cooked it for over 50 minutes, the inside still had traces of blood. Eww eww.
Any suggestions as to how I can improve this disaster the next time, to at least make it somewhat edible?
The only redeeming qualities of the meal was the asparagus, which thankfully, did not taste like ass-paragus.
Although I just "caught" your attention with a "disaster," I'd now like to talk about an incredible success: my meeting with the writer and head chef of Eat, Drink, and Be Merry. He just posted about it today! He is a very intelligent and well-spoken gentlemen (or an all-around "friendly guy" as he likes to be called), and I encourage you to check out his site for recipe ideas, restaurant reviews, or just to learn about food in general from someone who loves food and who will become a world-renowned chef very soon.