This is the way to celebrate every three-day President's Day weekend.
With a classic, all-American burger.
But there are several rules in the President's Day Burger Bill of Rights.
Burgers should not be allowed on President's Day if they don't have parallel charbroiled grill marks seared into the surface of the juicy ground beef patty. And make "patty" plural. There must be two of inside each and every burger served on President's Day. Our country might protect freedom of speech and religion, but there is no Constitutional protection for having less than one hamburger patty per burger.
Other necessary ingredients for a President's Day burger include: crisp, concentric rings sliced from a yellow onion bulb; an obligatory leaf of iceberg lettuce (preferably not from the yellowed and bitter lettuce heart, but it doesn't have to be green); and a slice of fire-engine-red vine-ripened tomato. And a President's Day burger is simply not a burger if it doesn't include three full strips of bacon. We need to support the pork farmers beyond the contributions they get from pork barrel politics.
Mustard and ketchup are to be avoided like a Senator embroiled in a bad scandal. Those paltry condiments are better reserved for wieners. Literally. A hulking President's Day burger needs a generous slathering of the "man's man" condiment: thousand island dressing. I'm sure any American President would wage war on a thousand islands just to find that perfect WMD (Wickedly and Mighty Delicious) sauce combination of sweet pickle relish, mayonnaise, and ketchup.
Well, maybe just President Bush.
The burger "must" be overflowing with ingredients to the point a President couldn't even grab it tightly in his outstretched and open palms, but also "smashable," so that it can be compacted enough to fit in his open mouth.
In other words, the burger still can be more than five inches high.
Please take precautions when consuming such President's Day burgers though, for they may contribute to rapid inflation (of the waistline) and they may also cause some significant greenhouse gas emissions (especially if there is cheese in the burger and you are lactose intolerant).
Happy President's Day!