Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Happy Burger-Day, Mr. President.

This is the way to celebrate every three-day President's Day weekend.

With a classic, all-American burger.

But there are several rules in the President's Day Burger Bill of Rights.

Burgers should not be allowed on President's Day if they don't have parallel charbroiled grill marks seared into the surface of the juicy ground beef patty. And make "patty" plural. There must be two of inside each and every burger served on President's Day. Our country might protect freedom of speech and religion, but there is no Constitutional protection for having less than one hamburger patty per burger.

Other necessary ingredients for a President's Day burger include: crisp, concentric rings sliced from a yellow onion bulb; an obligatory leaf of iceberg lettuce (preferably not from the yellowed and bitter lettuce heart, but it doesn't have to be green); and a slice of fire-engine-red vine-ripened tomato. And a President's Day burger is simply not a burger if it doesn't include three full strips of bacon. We need to support the pork farmers beyond the contributions they get from pork barrel politics.

Mustard and ketchup are to be avoided like a Senator embroiled in a bad scandal. Those paltry condiments are better reserved for wieners. Literally. A hulking President's Day burger needs a generous slathering of the "man's man" condiment: thousand island dressing. I'm sure any American President would wage war on a thousand islands just to find that perfect WMD
(Wickedly and Mighty Delicious) sauce combination of sweet pickle relish, mayonnaise, and ketchup.

Well, maybe just President Bush.

The burger "must" be overflowing with ingredients to the point a President couldn't even grab it tightly in his outstretched and open palms, but also "smashable," so that it can be compacted enough to fit in his open mouth.

In other words, the burger still can be more than five inches high.

Please take precautions when consuming such President's Day burgers though, for they may contribute to rapid inflation (of the waistline) and they may also cause some significant greenhouse gas emissions (especially if there is cheese in the burger and you are lactose intolerant).

Happy President's Day!


  1. Oh my! That is the messiest yet most delicious burger ever. I'd love a BIG bite!

  2. Haha awesome post PE!


    "Our country might protect freedom of speech"

    I'm not sure about this part anymore :-/

  3. what a genius way to celebrate president's day! i feel so small and desirous when observing the burger in that second photo. oh, to plunge my big arms around it and give it a hug!!

  4. No no no no. There are three branches that help provide checks and balances; patty, cheese, and bacon. You have to have all of these critical components for a successful, democratic burger.

  5. Yes Rachel, it was messy alright! :)

    You are so right about that Eric, especially with during this reign of the Bush Administration! Oh wait, am I allowed to say that?

    So cute Pink Nest! Everyone wants to give you a hug after reading your blog!

    That's right Chubby Panda! Those are the three branches of the Presidential burger!

    I hope that means I win in Florida Bola!

  6. "...especially with during this reign of the Bush Administration! Oh wait, am I allowed to say that?"

    I don't think so. Expect the Secret Service on your doorstep by noon, at the latest :-)

  7. By the way, I completely forgot to thank you for mentioning lactose intolerant people. Unfortunately, we are often ignored in the shuffle. Are you lactose intolerant too??

  8. wow, those burgers are so tempting! i love the bacon in those pictures!

  9. Haha, you're right Eric, I'd better keep my Bush-bashing to a minimum here! And also too, I am lactose intolerant and have been that way since I was young. But I will never say no to a delicious dairy product if offered one!

    Ah yes Keropok Man, bacon is an essential in hamburgers!

  10. This is the most delectable looking burger! My daughters and I are looking at this at 9:30 Am on a Sunday morning, and are already thinking toward this burger for lunch. Your picture is really worth a thousand words... and we are totally with you on not ketchup or mustard (mayo) for the all-American burger!

  11. Thank you so much for your kind comment and for visiting Deborah Dowd. I wish I could give you a virtual high-five--I completely agree with the deliberate omission of ketchup and mustard on any President's Day burger!


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